Spring cleaning for writing ideas

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Posted 2/28/17 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

March is here and it’s time for me to do a little spring cleaning. . . writer’s style. You see, I’m always jotting down little tidbits – witticisms, jokes, hot dish recipes. Sometimes these tidbits grow into larger pieces like a column or a short story. Many just stay in my notebook never to be shared with my adoring public.
So every once in a while, I feel the need to “clean” out my notebook by compiling my random thoughts and sharing them. Enjoy:

  • Success is 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration, and 30 percent being good at math.
  • It’s true what they say: All the good ones are either married, or incredibly hostile towards me.
  • Don’t let failure define who you are. . . That’s my thing. 
  • When the chips are down, you have to decide: Buy a new bag or just eat them off the floor.
  • I joined the gym today. I was so proud of my accomplishment, I rewarded myself with a big bag of peanut M&Ms. 
  • Some people get fat by adopting a sedentary lifestyle. Some get fat by consuming too many calories. Other people get fat by only eating sugar and carbs. I’ve created a new program where you get obese quicker by doing all three at once. I call it CrossFat.
  • It’s been said most women want a sensitive man. Well ladies, I want you to know: Even after all these years, I still cry every time I open my student loan bill. 
  • People who don’t appreciate my kindness should be punched in the face. 
  • ASAP is in the eye of the beholder.
  • Some say that Love makes the world go ‘round. Others say it’s angular momentum.
  • Live. Active. Cultured. My yogurt has more going on than I do.
  • A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture. 
  • If I ever have kids, I am not giving them sugary snacks. . . . I really hate sharing.
  • I’m choosing to age disgracefully.
  • Why would I pay some therapist to pretend to care about my problems when I have friends who’ll pretend to care about them for free?
  • I believe that children are the future, but I’ve been wrong about stuff before.
  • It looks like I’ve run out of room. Please empty the bin on your way out. Thanks.