Say, is it hot enough for you?

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Posted 6/20/17 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

“But it’s a dry heat.”
That’s what people who aren’t from Arizona like to say when they find out you live there. They like to pretend that since we don’t have much humidity here, having 100 days a year above 100 degrees is a real walk in the park. 
I know it’s been hot everywhere lately, and I don’t mean to belittle the recent heat wave that you’ve been feeling up in North Dakota. But the spike in temperatures seems to have subsided for a while. Meanwhile, in Tucson, the weathermen are forecasting a high of 115 degrees tomorrow.
Going out in this heat is a production. First, I have to first drink a gallon of water to make sure I don’t get dehydrated. Then I lather up my entire body with sunscreen – SPF 30,000. Then I get dressed: T-shirt, shorts and beekeeper’s mask. 
That’s a lot of work just to go out and get the mail. But on the plus side, thanks to all that preparation, I return home with only a mild second-degree sunburn over 80 percent of my body.
There are advantages to these high temperatures, of course. I often walk to the nearby grocery store. It’s great in summer: I pick up a frozen pizza for dinner; by the time I get home, the pizza is already hot and ready to eat.
On the Fourth of July, the firecrackers light themselves.
Ranchers down here just have to touch the cattle in order to brand them.
Arizonans live with the quiet confidence that if we ever accidentally fall into an active volcano, we’ll probably be fine.
I complain, but I know the bad weather won’t last forever. You’ve all heard of Groundhog Day in February, when Punxsutawney Phil peeks his head out of his burrow? If he sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of winter.
Here in Tucson, we have Desert Rat Day each August. Pima County Pedro peeks his head out from his burrow. If he bursts into flames, that means we’re going to have 16 more weeks of summer. 
(If Pedro doesn’t catch fire, it means we’re only going to have 15-and-a-half more weeks of summer.) 
In conclusion, it’s only the first day of summer, and already this Arizona heat is making me sick. I feel like I might heave.
But it’s a dry heave.