Clothes really do make the man

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Posted 9/05/17 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained a bit of weight lately. As a result, almost none of my clothes fit anymore. I could get sad about that, but I prefer to see the glass as half full: This is an opportunity to buy all new clothes and redefine my style.
I’ve never cared that much about fashion. My current style is probably best described as “hobo formal.” 
But clothes and fashion are very important. They make the world go ‘round. Take the classic film, “The Wizard of Oz,” for example. When you strip away all the scarecrows, munchkins and flying monkeys, it’s essentially a two-hour movie about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.
They say you should “dress for your body type.” This is a nice way of saying, “Hey fatty, try to hide some of that mess!” I’ve heard vertical stripes have a slimming effect, so I’m only buying striped clothes from now on. 
I feel the worst about my fatness standing at the mirror in the mornings before I get dressed; so I have also had vertical stripes tattooed down the length of my body.
Sometimes I think I’d like to adopt a dressier style. I remember watching those classy old black and white movies where the young couple go out for a night on the town. He dressed in a three-piece suit, she in a modest little cocktail dress. 
I want to look dapper and dashing like Cary Grant. Unfortunately, it’s 103 degrees in Tucson today, so I’d end up looking like a fat, sweaty business man dying of heatstroke.
Perhaps I should dress more trendy. I see the hip young people of today -- she in her three-piece suit, he in a modest little cocktail dress -- and I wonder it I should emulate them. I could strut around in my RompHim (a romper for men) and high heels. I would grow my hair long, then put it up in a “man bun.” I could hide a pistol in my man bun for when I’m ready to put myself out of my misery.
It might be best to stick to something tried and true. Maybe my dad will let me raid his closet. He would probably be honored that I want to emulate him. And I’m sure I could get used to wearing knee-high black socks with shorts and sandals.
I’m feeling more fashionable already!